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Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.

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Venus is the only planet in the solar system to spin backwards.

badger badger need i say more

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NEW! Scientific proof that Spongebob is evil.
To get/watch spongebob on TV requires time and money.
Spongebob = Time x Money
And we all know that time is money
Time= Money
And so:
Spongebob = money x money = Money˛
And since money is the root of all evil
Money = Square root of evil
And so:
Spongebob = (square root of evil)˛
and so the only conclusion is that
Spongebob = evil.
Can't argue with algebra.
Your brain weight accounts for about 2 percent of your body weight. But your brain uses 20 percent of your body's oxygen supply and 20 to 30 percent of your body's energy.

lumberjack

Barney Must Die!

Lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
I glance at my TV
What is this I see?

It's a purple dinosaur
Waving at me through a door
A bunch of singing kids
I wish they'd shut their lids

Its name is Barney, so I've heard
Says he'll be the next Big Bird
Yeah right, that's a joke
Designer musta been on coke

"Death to Barney!" is my cry!
BARNEY MUST DIE! BARNEY MUST DIE!
See kids? He's living a lie!
BARNEY MUST DIE! BARNEY MUST DIE!

- Oh, yes, someone must have told them that it's harder to hit a moving target

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. "I don't much care where," said Alice. "Then it doesn't matter which way you go


Get glitter and more at Blixy.com!

i have this on 90% of the time

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SEMPER FI
All gave some, Some gave all
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easy html even bears can do it

giggles i know i am cute
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cute and spoild

Breathe deep the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bed sitter people look back and lament
Another day's useless energy is spent
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
New mother picks up and suckles her son
Senior citizens wish they were young
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is grey and yellow white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion

This white sheet

Lies dauntingly before me

Waiting to be filled with the words

That have all been said before

The thoughts that have worn out their welcome

The emotions that have ripped apart my soul

 

This white sheet

No longer blank now

But rather the humble beginnings of a glance

Inside my life

Behind my eyes

Bleed the truths

The mysteries

The passion

That cannot possibly be contained

No matter how hard I tried

 

This white sheet

Is my canvas

To learn who I really am inside

To share with the world

The things I need to

And perhaps

Some of those I should never dare

 

This white sheet

Screams the name of only one

With every word

Every verse

Every unspoken desire

I’ve shamelessly indulged

Upon this page

My hand forcibly rests upon my mouth

As I give in to these temptations

Leaving

These beautiful thoughts unspoken

Upon this white sheet

  

It had to be Ewe...

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly gray,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...

Tchaikovsky...6.June: Barcarolle (O.Aksu)

monty pyton


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Fuel for Thought...

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon comes to a dead halt in traffic. He thinks to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls his window down and says, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and, with all his legal troubles, he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house."

The colonel asks, "So, what are you doing?"

The officer replies, "I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really?" the colonel says, "How much have you collected so far?"

"So far, only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so.

Extra-Curricular Activities

A student comes to the office of a young professor. Before entering, the lovely young lady glances both directions down the hall, walks in, closes his door behind her, and then kneels down before him pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything," she says! His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything..." she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Well, would you be willing to..........study?"

pervert

Good for the Soul!

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and your sin will be absolved."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well, I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

ones mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its oringnal dimenisons
 

Four Rules:
 
 Think before you say,
 Read before you ask,
 Know before you tell,
 Be nice when others don't.

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people. "left" in Latin is "sinister" and "right" is "dexter". Ambidextrous simply means "both right".

Moses : Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.
 
Chicken and the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

A Eighth Grade student has a penis so large, his parents warn him not to have anything to do with girls.They caution him he could easily kill someone.Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, the student runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "I killed her!I killed her!"All at once he stops dead in his tracks, a look of dawning comprehension appears on his face and he says, "Wait just a minute, I didn't kill her, she committed suicide!"

  

 
Silence. Has it stopped? Good. Ever since that couple moved in next door, lay awake from the squeaking and pounding. What are they doing in there? I managed to convince myself that they're building a raft. They're not working very efficiently. Especially the girl, who seems to lose patience at once. Tonight they must have finished the sail. I wonder how they plan on getting it in the water, though.

Most people squash a fly without hesitation. Others ignore the insect, because squashing it takes too much trouble or goes against their principles.

myself really value these decisions. All practical and moral aspects of squashing a fly must be regarded. It's a long process.

But what's all this worth without decisive action? In the end, I only slightly squash the poor thing and hate myself for the rest of the day.

laugh like mad with this

YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN:
  • You wake up face down on the pavement
  • You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
  • You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
  • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
  • Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
  • You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
  • You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
  • Your twin sister forgets your birthday
  • You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
  • Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
  • You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
  • Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
  • You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
  • Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
  • Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
  • You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week

BARNEY IS EVIL

TV STAR TEARFULLY ADMITS, "I WAS ABUSED AS A

 

CHILD," FILES LAWSUIT

AGAINST HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS FOR "EXPLOITATION"

The cushiony king of children's public television says his life hasn't been as soft as it may appear. Barney T. Dinosaur, in an emotional press conference last week, admitted that his upbringing at the hooves of other dinosaurs was a harrowing experience.

"Nobody liked me," the star said, as he filed a formal lawsuit against Steven Spielberg and various persons and institutions involved with the making of the film "Jurassic Park." The suit contends that Barney, as the last surviving member of the species is entitled to be compensated for the use of his family name (Barney's middle name, it appears, is "Tyrannosaurus"--"The" is just a stage name) and history. "For the hell I went through as a little-saur," Barney said, "I deserve every cent I can get. Even the bracheosaurs used to beat up on me."

According to the megastar dinosaur, he was considered an outcast in the rough-and-tumble prehistoric world because he was "different." His voice lost its usual enthusiasm as he remembered: "They were big and mean and tough. I was soft and weak--plush, even--and they hurt me for it. They hated me." A strange, unfamiliar glint came into the star's eyes. "But I outlasted them all, anyway. I showed them."

Scientists on the Virtual World News' permanent payroll claim that it was Barney's differences that saved his hide, when all the other dinosaurs disappeared. Though the cause of the extinction (now known to have been only a near-extinction) remains a mystery, it is now believed that giant space creatures may have descended in hunger--and eaten the dinosaurs. Barney, however, was unpalatable, being entirely too sweet for the extraterrestrial diners. In addition, having plush upholstery-type hide, rather than the normal dino-hide made him appear to the Visitors as somewhat similar to our "gumdrops"--which, of course, no one in their right mind would eat.

The makers of Jurassic Park, including Spielberg himself, are contesting Barney's claim to the name "Tyrannosaurus." "Don't be stupid," Spielberg reportedly responded. "I made up the name myself. It's all made up. It's all fantasy. Besides, Barney's just a sick little guy in a big purple suit. I've seen him on the Paramount lot. He's no creature. He's just creepy."

Other dinosaurs were extinct at press time, and unavailable for comment

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wendy is tuff
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wet web

so by now your worndering what my page is about well it is all about randome sillyness and other starange thoughts  any one who knows me know i am strange and difernt  but thats a good thing

mouse loving
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kinky mouse sex

Lycos MP3 Search

Artist or Song Name:

spanking da monkey
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i am spanking my monkey
cool eh
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fire cool
now dont ya forget to sign my gest book
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do the zomby stomp
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zomby fred

cool
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here's a llama there's a llama and another little llama fuzzy llama funny llama llama llama duck llama llama cheesecake llama tablet brick potato llama llama llama mushroom llama llama llama duck i was once a treehouse i lived in a cake but i never saw the way the orange slayed the rake i was only three years dead but it told a tale and now listen, little child to the safety rail did you ever see a llama kiss a llama on the llama llama's llama tastes of llama llama llama duck half a llama twice the llama not a llama farmer llama llama in a car alarm a llama llama duck is THIS how it's told now? is it all so old? is it made of lemon juice? doorknob ankle cold now my song is getting thin i've run out of luck time for me to retire now and become a duck

E L M O
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danceing elmo

bad boys
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here we come

badger phone

Barney is becoming somewhat foul-smelling
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i killd barney yea me

Barney is becoming somewhat foul-smelling

now the truth comes out
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even worse then barny

Barney Must Die!

Lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
I glance at my TV
What is this I see?

It's a purple dinosaur
Waving at me through a door
A bunch of singing kids
I wish they'd shut their lids

Its name is Barney, so I've heard
Says he'll be the next Big Bird
Yeah right, that's a joke
Designer musta been on coke

"Death to Barney!" is my cry!
BARNEY MUST DIE! BARNEY MUST DIE!
See kids? He's living a lie!
BARNEY MUST DIE! BARNEY MUST DIE!

- Oh, yes, someone must have told them that it's harder to hit a moving target.
  • - It was stupid!
- It was pointless!
- It was...
- [unison] Short. We loved it!
  • - Do you think we'll be entertained tonight?
- Well I will... I brought a book!
  • - That was wonderful!
- Bravo!
- I loved that!
- Ah, that was great!
- Well, it was pretty good.
- Well, it wasn't bad ...
- Uh, there were parts of it that weren't very good though.
- It could have been a lot better.
- I didn't really like it.
- It was pretty terrible.
- It was bad.
- It was awful!
- It was terrible!
- Take 'em away!
- Bah, boo!
- Boo!
  • - Boo!
- Boooo!
- That was the worst thing I ever heard!
- It was terrible!
- Horrendous!
- Well, it wasn't that bad.
- Oh yeah?
- There were parts of it I liked.
- Yeah, I liked a lot of it.
- Yeah, it was good, actually.
- It was great!
- It's wonderful!
- Ah, bravo!
- More!
- More!
- More!
- More!
  • - Brilliant!
- Weh... that was terrible.
- Oh it was good.
- Nah, that was very bad.
- Well, it was average.
- Weh... it was in the middle there.
- Ah, it wasn't that great.
- I kind of liked it.
- It was terrible.
- I loved it!
- Get 'em off!
- More!
  • - Encore! Encore!
- Quiet! They might hear you!
  • - You know, this show really improves with age!
- Why? Because the jokes get better?
- No, because my hearing gets worse!
- Well, when could you take him seriously?
- Good question!
- Why, because there's a confederate flag on top of the car?
- Nope, because Jessica Simpson has a speaking part!
  • - Yah know Waldorf, I can relate to this movie
- Really, why's that?
- Well, last week I got home and there was a complete stranger in my living room!
- Wow, was it a ghost?
- Nope, I went to the wrong house again
  • - Fozzie- Oh come on, didn't you even like my last joke?
- Sure we liked it, if you promise it's your last one!
  • - Oh well, at least its over now
- What are you talking about, its only just beginning!
- Oh why are we doomed to suffer? And why are those people watching voluntarily?!
  • - Wingardo Expecto Disappearo!
- What are you doing?
- I'm trying to make this movie disappear
- Oh, try harder!
  • - Dukes of Hazzard looks like it has some great chase sequences and car stunts. Think of it as NASCAR with attractive people
- I don't know, you know you're in trouble when the best movie performance is given by the car!
  • - If this movie is sold out I'll have to go see something old that I'm already sick of
- What like Chicken Run?
- No like you!
  • - Why do we always come here?
- I guess we'll never know
- It's like a kind of torture...
- (in unison) ...to have to watch this show!
  • - How come all your impressions sound the same?
- Fozzie- I can't help that, they were all written by the same writer
- He's got a point there
- Yeah, on his head!
- Yeah, but it sure got wounded pretty bad tonight
  • - Fantastic, incredible, they remind me a lot of puppets
- Ugh. Puppets, I always hated puppets
- You're a traitor to your class
- What class, I never even graduated!
  • - Fozzie- And tonight, I'm going to try and put something new in my act
- Yeah, like comedy maybe!
  • - That was a great number, I've always liked pantomime.
- That wasn't pantomime, your hearing aid's busted again!
  • - (In unison and crying) WHY US!!!
  • - Ah that's nothing, anyone can drop their pants
- I didn't know you were Lithuanian
  • - O-oh, better get out your old army uniform
- Yes, with a 108 angry countries there's bound to be trouble.
- I don't know. I never get up that early
  • - You know, I really liked that.
- Me too.
- Are we in the right theatre?
  • - Shakespeare would've hate that!
- You oughta know, you dated his sister!
- ...Boy, was she ugly.
  • - Gonzo: It's about mind over matter
- Well, we don't mind, and you don't matter!
  • - (Gonzo has performed a dangerous stunt and hurt himself)
- Maybe Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
- Maybe Gonzo should quit while he's alive!
  • - That song had a nice beat.
- No thank you, I don't want to eat.
- I said beat! Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?
- There's going to be rain?

  

hmmm
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give me cookies

The "Real World"?!? There is only one world; the world does not change, it's just the limits of subjective reality that change.

eschew obfuscation

"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income." - Samuel Butler ( d 1902), Note-Books

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. "I don't much care where," said Alice. "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. - Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes.

"The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play." - Captain James T. Kirk

"It may be elementary to you, Holmes, but it all seems damned peculiar to me."

Just remember... when puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.

I'm not one of those pun control nuts, but I do think everyone should be required to take a pun safety course... especially if there are kids in the house.

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Not all lawyers should be shot. Some should be hanged.

There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged in unexpectedly -- and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheikh.

"Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you won't have to listen to his incessant whining about how hungry he is."

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide all the bodies of the people who pissed me off!

It's a bit like closing the state of New Jersey for a whole weekend. Not a terribly bad idea, but it just can't be done.

There are two essential basic strategies for success in business: 1. Never reveal all you know

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano. His friend was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate. He pounded out a crashing march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill voice screamed, "Stop that noise. Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?"

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to set fire to the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

Dyslexics of the world....UNTIE!

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

Prediction is difficult, especially the future. - Niels Bohr

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

OK, so a guy walks into a bar... OUCH!

Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how do they get it on the pan?

"A jest often decides matters of importance more effectually and happily than seriousness." roman poet Horace (65-8 B.C.)

"I refuse to prove that I exist" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing." "Oh," says man, "but the Babel Fish is a dead give-away, isn't it? It proves You exist, and so therefore You don't. Q.E.D." "Oh, I hadn't thought of that." says God, who promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

Souport publik edekasion

Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.

War does not determine who's right; war determines who's left.

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player, Joe Theismann

A barking dog never bites, but the difficulty is in calculating with any degree of exactness upon the moment when he shall stop barking and begin to bite. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., June 8, 1887.

There are two certain signs of old age: 1. loss of memory, and 2. Uhh... give me a minute here

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses." - Stephen Wright

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." - Stephen Wright

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

Over What Hill? Where? When? I DON'T REMEMBER ANY HILL!

Treat me no differently than you would the Pope.

"Pardon me. Do you have any cheap, yellow mustard?"

Overheard in a brokerage: "I worry about economists who are so young that they think the Great Depression was ended by Prozac."

One owl to another: "How many times must I tell you -- it's 'whoooooooo' not 'whommmmmmm'!"

Illiterate? Write for help today!

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Televangelists: The professional wrestlers of religion.

We are Microsoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

If you cut the ends off of a string, why does the string still have two ends?

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

Progress doesn't neccessarily mean that good things happen; sometimes it just means bad things happen faster.

...and she was wearing this sexy little Freudian slip...

Your installation of Windows 95 is complete. It is no longer safe to turn on your computer.

All generalizations are false.

28% of people in the United States think they can communicate with the dead. The other 72% switched back to AT&T.

Free China. Crystal half-off.

What do people in Greece say when they don't understand something?

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

My Karma ran over my Dogma.

Save the trees. Burn a Northern Spotted Owl.

D.A.M - Mothers Against Dyslexia

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

A Kodiak moment: When a bear steals and eats your camera.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Earth first! We'll mine the other planets later.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemmingway

Work is the curse of the drinking class. - Oscar Wilde

"If you're competent in a world of incompetence, it makes you seem extraordinary." - Billy Joel on his theory of his success in the music industry

I can only please one person a day. Today isn't your day and tomorrow doesn't look too promising either.

"Never answer an anonymous letter." - Yogi Berra

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." - Yogi Berra

"90 percent of the game is half mental." - Yogi Berra

"We're lost, but we're making good time!" - Yogi Berra

"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands." - Yogi Berra

"Always go to other people's funerals -- otherwise, they won't go to yours." - Yogi Berra

"I really didn't say everything I said." - Yogi Berra

Of course I don't look busy -- I did it right the first time.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

"And this is our Department of Redundancy Department..."

Practice random senselessness and act kind of beautiful.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

If the funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Is there another word for synonym?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their new house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

yep
thoughts.jpg
so thats were brain farts come from

dance of the blue hip o o
hippo-blue2-right.gif
we can dance the blue hip o

If you can't laugh at yourself, try laughing at others.

Some Bumper Stickers Seen On-The-Road...

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Sam: Who here hasn't wanted to meet our next two presenters. He's an FBI agent bent on proving the Paranormal exists. She's his skeptical parter who saves his butt when he gets in a jam. Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully!

<Mulder and Scully enter the stage.>

Mulder: Hey Scully, did you check out those two extra-terrestrials hanging around back-stage. It proves what I've been saying about aliens and the government

Scully: Mulder! Those were just two badly animated cartoon characters from the Sixties recycled by some drug-addled crackpots to amuse college students.

Mulder: But then how do you explain their prescense here?

Scully: Because it's an imaginary awards show and the directors can do anything they want.

Mulder: You don't know that for a fact though Scully.

Scully: Sure, Fine, Whatever, let's just hand out this award, what are we handing out anyways?

Mulder: I don't know, why don't you check out the envelope.

Scully: <reading> The Sweethearts Award, well isn't that nice.

Mulder: Why are we giving out a sweethearts award?

Scully: I don't know Mulder, maybe it's because of the hot and steamy unresolved sexual tension we exude every week on the X-Files, Sunday night at 9:00pm on FOX.

Mulder: Must be Scully, so who's the lucky couple?

Scully:<opens the envelope> Janak Parekh and Lakshmi Sharma, congratulations.

Mulder: Alright, now let's go work on some of that unresolved tension.

Scully: Mulder, must I remind you I have a gun.

Mulder: You know me Scully, I love women with firearms.

<The two leave the stage, continueing their dialogue.>