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Venus is the only planet in the solar system to spin backwards.
Lying in my bed Thoughts running through my head I glance at my TV What is this I see?
It's a purple
dinosaur Waving at me through a door A bunch of singing kids I wish they'd shut their lids
Its name is Barney,
so I've heard Says he'll be the next Big Bird Yeah right, that's a joke Designer musta been on coke
to Barney!" is my cry! BARNEY MUST DIE! BARNEY MUST DIE! See kids? He's living a lie! BARNEY MUST DIE! BARNEY MUST
- Oh, yes, someone must have told
them that it's harder to hit a moving target
Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends
a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. "I don't much care where," said Alice. "Then it doesn't matter which
way you go
Breathe deep the gathering
gloom Watch lights fade from every room Bed sitter people look back and lament Another day's useless energy is spent Impassioned
lovers wrestle as one Lonely man cries for love and has none New mother picks up and suckles her son Senior citizens
wish they were young Cold-hearted orb that rules the night Removes the colors from our sight Red is grey and yellow
white But we decide which is right And which is an illusion
This white sheet
Lies dauntingly before me
Waiting to be filled with the words
That have all been said before
The thoughts that have worn out their welcome
The emotions that have ripped apart my soul
This white sheet
No longer blank now
But rather the humble beginnings of a glance
Inside my life
Behind my eyes
Bleed the truths
That cannot possibly be contained
No matter how hard I tried
This white sheet
Is my canvas
To learn who I really am inside
To share with the world
The things I need to
Some of those I should never dare
This white sheet
Screams the name of only one
With every word
Every unspoken desire
I’ve shamelessly indulged
Upon this page
My hand forcibly rests upon my mouth
As I give in to these temptations
These beautiful thoughts unspoken
Upon this white sheet
It had to be Ewe...
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly
gray, It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan, It
was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more, They
followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found
it droll, There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.
No other could control the sheep, since their programs
didn't vary, So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.
But now they feel quite sheepish, those
scientists unwary, One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon comes to a dead halt in traffic.
He thinks to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer
walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls his window down and says, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold
The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York
that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself
on fire. He says his family hates him and, with all his legal troubles, he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house."
colonel asks, "So, what are you doing?"
The officer replies, "I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
really?" the colonel says, "How much have you collected so far?"
"So far, only about three hundred gallons, but I've
got a lot of folks still siphoning."
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
student comes to the office of a young professor. Before entering, the lovely young lady glances both directions down the
hall, walks in, closes his door behind her, and then kneels down before him pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this
exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do
anything." He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything," she says! His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything..." she repeats
again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Well, would you be willing to..........study?"
Think before you say, Read before you ask, Know before you tell, Be
nice when others don't.
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right
handed people. "left" in Latin is "sinister" and "right" is "dexter". Ambidextrous simply means "both right".
Moses : Know ye that it is unclean
to eat the chicken that has crossed the road and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.
Chicken and the
A chicken and an egg
are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The
egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
A Eighth Grade student has a penis so
large, his parents warn him not to have anything to do with girls.They caution him he could easily kill someone.Through the
grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.He refuses expressing
concern he might kill her.She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and
nothing bad can happen.
He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from
pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, the student runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "I killed her!I killed her!"All
at once he stops dead in his tracks, a look of dawning comprehension appears on his face and he says, "Wait just a minute,
I didn't kill her, she committed suicide!"
Silence. Has it stopped? Good. Ever since that couple moved in next door, lay awake from the squeaking and pounding. What are they
doing in there? I managed to convince myself that they're building
a raft. They're not working very efficiently. Especially the girl, who
seems to lose patience at once. Tonight they must have finished the sail. I wonder how they plan on getting it in the water,
Most people squash a fly without hesitation.
Others ignore the insect, because squashing it takes too much trouble or goes against
myself really value these decisions. All practical and moral aspects of squashing a fly must
be regarded. It's a long process.
But what's all this worth without decisive
action? In the end, I only slightly squash the poor thing and
hate myself for the rest of the day.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for
it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week
BARNEY IS EVIL
TV STAR TEARFULLY ADMITS, "I WAS ABUSED AS A
CHILD," FILES LAWSUIT
AGAINST HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS FOR "EXPLOITATION"
The cushiony king of children's public television says his life hasn't
been as soft as it may appear. Barney T. Dinosaur, in an emotional press conference last week, admitted that his upbringing
at the hooves of other dinosaurs was a harrowing experience.
"Nobody liked me," the star said, as he filed a formal lawsuit against
Steven Spielberg and various persons and institutions involved with the making of the film "Jurassic Park." The suit contends
that Barney, as the last surviving member of the species is entitled to be compensated for the use of his family name (Barney's
middle name, it appears, is "Tyrannosaurus"--"The" is just a stage name) and history. "For the hell I went through as a little-saur,"
Barney said, "I deserve every cent I can get. Even the bracheosaurs used to beat up on me."
According to the megastar dinosaur, he was considered an outcast in
the rough-and-tumble prehistoric world because he was "different." His voice lost its usual enthusiasm as he remembered: "They
were big and mean and tough. I was soft and weak--plush, even--and they hurt me for it. They hated me." A strange, unfamiliar
glint came into the star's eyes. "But I outlasted them all, anyway. I showed them."
Scientists on the Virtual World News' permanent payroll claim that
it was Barney's differences that saved his hide, when all the other dinosaurs disappeared. Though the cause of the extinction
(now known to have been only a near-extinction) remains a mystery, it is now believed that giant space creatures may have
descended in hunger--and eaten the dinosaurs. Barney, however, was unpalatable, being entirely too sweet for the extraterrestrial
diners. In addition, having plush upholstery-type hide, rather than the normal dino-hide made him appear to the Visitors as
somewhat similar to our "gumdrops"--which, of course, no one in their right mind would eat.
The makers of Jurassic Park, including Spielberg himself, are contesting
Barney's claim to the name "Tyrannosaurus." "Don't be stupid," Spielberg reportedly responded. "I made up the name myself.
It's all made up. It's all fantasy. Besides, Barney's just a sick little guy in a big purple suit. I've seen him on the Paramount
lot. He's no creature. He's just creepy."
Other dinosaurs were extinct at press time, and unavailable for comment
so by now your worndering what my page
is about well it is all about randome sillyness and other starange thoughts any one who knows me know i am strange and
difernt but thats a good thing
kinky mouse sex
spanking da monkey
i am spanking my monkey
now dont ya forget to sign my gest book
do the zomby stomp
here's a llama there's a llama and another little llama fuzzy llama funny llama llama llama duck llama llama cheesecake
llama tablet brick potato llama llama llama mushroom llama llama llama duck i was once a treehouse i lived in a cake but i
never saw the way the orange slayed the rake i was only three years dead but it told a tale and now listen, little child to
the safety rail did you ever see a llama kiss a llama on the llama llama's llama tastes of llama llama llama duck half a llama
twice the llama not a llama farmer llama llama in a car alarm a llama llama duck is THIS how it's told now? is it all so old?
is it made of lemon juice? doorknob ankle cold now my song is getting thin i've run out of luck time for me to retire now
and become a duck
- (Gonzo has performed a dangerous stunt and hurt himself)
- Maybe Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
- Maybe Gonzo should quit while he's alive!
- That song had a nice beat.
- No thank you, I don't want to eat.
- I said beat! Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?
- There's going to be rain?
give me cookies
The "Real World"?!? There is only one world; the world
does not change, it's just the limits of subjective reality that change.
"All progress is
based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income." - Samuel Butler ( d 1902),
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want
to get to," said the Cat. "I don't much care where," said Alice. "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes.
"The more complex
the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play." - Captain James T. Kirk
"It may be elementary to you, Holmes,
but it all seems damned peculiar to me."
Just remember... when puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.
not one of those pun control nuts, but I do think everyone should be required to take a pun safety course... especially if
there are kids in the house.
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
all lawyers should be shot. Some should be hanged.
There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged
in unexpectedly -- and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheikh.
"Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach
a man to fish; and you won't have to listen to his incessant whining about how hungry he is."
Lord grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide all the bodies of the
people who pissed me off!
It's a bit like closing the state of New Jersey for a whole weekend. Not a terribly bad idea,
but it just can't be done.
There are two essential basic strategies for success in business: 1. Never reveal all you
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano. His friend was incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate.
He pounded out a crashing march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill voice screamed, "Stop that noise.
Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?"
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to set
fire to the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
Dyslexics of the world....UNTIE!
is "abbreviation" such a long word?
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your actions.
Prediction is difficult, especially the future. - Niels Bohr
If there is no God, who pops up
the next Kleenex in the box?
OK, so a guy walks into a bar... OUCH!
Why do people long for eternal life when
they don't even know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how do they get it on
"A jest often decides matters of importance more effectually and happily than seriousness." roman poet Horace
"I refuse to prove that I exist" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing." "Oh,"
says man, "but the Babel Fish is a dead give-away, isn't it? It proves You exist, and so therefore You don't. Q.E.D." "Oh,
I hadn't thought of that." says God, who promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
of my mind... Back in five minutes.
Souport publik edekasion
Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.
does not determine who's right; war determines who's left.
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius
is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player, Joe Theismann
A barking dog never bites,
but the difficulty is in calculating with any degree of exactness upon the moment when he shall stop barking and begin to
bite. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., June 8, 1887.
There are two certain signs of old age: 1. loss of memory,
and 2. Uhh... give me a minute here
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses." - Stephen Wright
went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." - Stephen Wright
Over What Hill? Where? When? I DON'T REMEMBER ANY HILL!
Treat me no differently than
you would the Pope.
"Pardon me. Do you have any cheap, yellow mustard?"
Overheard in a brokerage: "I worry about
economists who are so young that they think the Great Depression was ended by Prozac."
One owl to another: "How many
times must I tell you -- it's 'whoooooooo' not 'whommmmmmm'!"
Illiterate? Write for help today!
Never play leapfrog
with a unicorn.
Televangelists: The professional wrestlers of religion.
We are Microsoft. You will be assimilated.
Resistance is futile.
If you cut the ends off of a string, why does the string still have two ends?
is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean
Progress doesn't neccessarily mean that good things happen; sometimes it just means bad things happen faster.
she was wearing this sexy little Freudian slip...
Your installation of Windows 95 is complete. It is no longer safe
to turn on your computer.
All generalizations are false.
28% of people in the United States think they can communicate
with the dead. The other 72% switched back to AT&T.
Free China. Crystal half-off.
What do people in Greece
say when they don't understand something?
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
My Karma ran over my
Save the trees. Burn a Northern Spotted Owl.
D.A.M - Mothers Against Dyslexia
All I ask is a chance
to prove that money can't make me happy.
A Kodiak moment: When a bear steals and eats your camera.
have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Earth first! We'll mine the other planets later.
do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemmingway
Work is the
curse of the drinking class. - Oscar Wilde
"If you're competent in a world of incompetence, it makes you seem extraordinary."
- Billy Joel on his theory of his success in the music industry
I can only please one person a day. Today isn't your
day and tomorrow doesn't look too promising either.
"Never answer an anonymous letter." - Yogi Berra
ain't worth a dime anymore." - Yogi Berra
"90 percent of the game is half mental." - Yogi Berra
but we're making good time!" - Yogi Berra
"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands." - Yogi Berra
go to other people's funerals -- otherwise, they won't go to yours." - Yogi Berra
"I really didn't say everything I
said." - Yogi Berra
Of course I don't look busy -- I did it right the first time.
Never underestimate the power
of stupid people in large groups.
"And this is our Department of Redundancy Department..."
Practice random senselessness
and act kind of beautiful.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Why doesn't glue
stick to the inside of the bottle?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered
a hostage situation?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has
the right to remain silent?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer
is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Instead of talking to your plants,
if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors
call what they do "practice"?
If the funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Is there another word for synonym?
What's another word for thesaurus?
vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I'm writing this slow 'cause
I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here
took the numbers with them for their new house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing
machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this
week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said
it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt
or an Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully,
so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The
other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't
get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
so thats were brain farts come from
dance of the blue hip o o
we can dance the blue hip o
If you can't laugh
at yourself, try laughing at others.
Some Bumper Stickers Seen On-The-Road...
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked,
wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs
last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks,
Roy, I'm stuffed!"
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good
that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Few women admit their age.
Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
All generalizations are false.
is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Sam: Who here hasn't wanted to meet our next two presenters.
He's an FBI agent bent on proving the Paranormal exists. She's his skeptical parter who saves his butt when he gets in a jam.
Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully!
<Mulder and Scully enter the stage.>
Mulder: Hey Scully, did you check out those two extra-terrestrials hanging around back-stage. It proves what I've been saying
about aliens and the government
Scully: Mulder! Those were just two badly animated cartoon characters from the Sixties recycled by some drug-addled crackpots
to amuse college students.
Mulder: But then how do you explain their prescense here?
Scully: Because it's an imaginary awards show and the directors
can do anything they want.
Mulder: You don't know that for a fact though Scully.
Scully: Sure, Fine, Whatever, let's just hand out this award,
what are we handing out anyways?
Mulder: I don't know, why don't you check out the envelope.
Scully: <reading> The Sweethearts
well isn't that nice.
Mulder: Why are we giving out a sweethearts award?
Scully: I don't know Mulder, maybe it's because of the hot and steamy unresolved sexual tension
we exude every week on the X-Files, Sunday night at 9:00pm on FOX.
Mulder: Must be Scully, so who's the lucky couple?
Scully:<opens the envelope> Janak Parekh and Lakshmi Sharma, congratulations.
Mulder: Alright, now let's go work on some of that unresolved tension.
Scully: Mulder, must I remind you I have a gun.
Mulder: You know me Scully, I love women with firearms.
<The two leave the stage, continueing their dialogue.>